Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
