Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
