if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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