life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
