I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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