I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
