You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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