MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
