Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
