Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
