i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
