Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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