I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
