I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
