I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
