last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
