I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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