It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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