I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
