Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
