she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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