I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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