OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
