Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
