All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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