Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
