I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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