3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My cat gives me a boner
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
