i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
