all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
