she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
