Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
