no, he came in my armpit
This house was built for laser tag.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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