you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
