there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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