At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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