My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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