Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
