Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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