so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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