So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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