If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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