and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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