Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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