Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
