is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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