Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
