Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
