I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
