Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
