the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize