More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
