Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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