I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
