Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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