my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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