Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So much rum. So many feels.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
