yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
