Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
