look no pants
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
