watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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