i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
