She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
