It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
